My Favourite Game
by caveat lector
Summary: Songfic to The Cardigans' 'My Favourite Game'. A look on Mello and Matt's 'relationship'. MxM, rated for language and sexual content. Mello's PoV.


**A/N: **Hello there, dear... strangers. I turned on the TV the other day (GASP), and this song was on. I remembered that it was my favourite song when I was a child, and that I had the melody stuck in my head for years. Being the obsessive fangirl that I am, MattxMello came to mind.  
The song and the official video: (youtube) .com/watch?v=NiZ6mrbFnq0&feature=channel_page

-

_**I don't know what you're looking for  
you haven't found it baby, that's for sure**_

There were always problems. Always had been, always would be. It was how they coped. With what, one might wonder? You could ask either one of them and they wouldn't be able to provide you with an actual answer. Probably because it's a very strange question to ask. There were, of course, the obvious answers, such as, well, 'trying to stop Kira', 'not knowing if there would be a tomorrow due to the attempt to stop said psychotic killer', 'being generally insane' or just the good old 'that's what we do'.

And it was. It was what they did. Create problems, somehow. They always managed to do that. Matt and Mello, Mello and Matt. Partners in crime (literally, at times). Partners in everything, even though neither of them really liked to admit it. If there was a reason to fight, they would fight. With each other, themselves, everyone around them, a fight was a fight.

Being who they were, however, the fights were mostly with each other.

_**You rip me up and spread me all around  
in the dust of the deed of time**_

Mello was pressing a hand against a wound on his arm. Nothing big, just an ambitious scratch thinking it was the king of the world, but it was enough to bleed a few drops of blood. Again, not much. Had been worse. Had it ever been better? And anyway, Matt was worse off with that eyebrow of his; he'd managed to stop the bleeding and put a band-aid (or something. Mello wasn't really paying attention) on it. But he still had barely-even-dried blood on his face.

What had the fight been about, again?

_Ah, who cares_, Mello thought, sighed quietly to himself and rolled his eyes when he heard Matt's voice from the living room.

"... Mells?"

Mello had to count backwards from 10 to refrain from yelling some more. "Yes?" he called back when he felt like he had his rage under control. Somewhat. Mello never really had any control with his emotions, but a lifetime of trying did have an outcome.

There were steps, and soon Matt was sitting beside him on the bed.

"...'m sorry," he muttered.

"Okay," said Mello. He wasn't sorry. And he was a terrible liar.

Warm lips met his own, a strange feeling of absentminded routine.

_**And this is not a case of lust, you see  
it's not a matter of you versus me**_

Sex. Mello preferred fighting. The strange feeling he got when Matt was so close to him was unpleasant, he hated the way his heart was pumping without the adrenaline of anger, he couldn't fucking _stand_ the way he never wanted Matt to leave. Fighting was more fun. Wanting his best and only friend, the only person who cared about him, to go away was a little high all on its own.

That damn feeling... sex was horrible, he decided, as his mind immediately came up with old clichés like 'true love'.

"Aah... Matt..." Oh, how he loathed himself for that. Another reason to avoid sex with Matt; it felt amazing (physically) and he couldn't help but make those kinds of embarrassing noises.

Mello comforted himself with the fact that they'd probably be fighting again as soon as they were done.

_**It's fine the way you want me on your own  
but in the end it's always me alone**_

It didn't hurt anymore. Neither the 'lovemaking' nor the mental aspects of it hurt like it had at first. Back at Wammy's, when it had been all careful touches, awkward questions like "You sure you're okay with this?" and immature boys already being forced into things that they thought they were ready for.

He'd had the courage to steal one of Matt's cigarettes afterwards. Matt was long gone, asleep like a fucking angel, and Mello was left with nothing but memories of 'back in the days' when there had been no fighting, no sex, no Kira, no Near.

Just what had his life been about back then?

_**And I'm losing my favourite game**_

He inspected the old bruises all over his body. Half of them were Matt's doing. Not that Matt was bruise-free. Letting out a breath of cancerous smoke, Mello poked a few particularly nasty ones at his neck. He couldn't see them, but they were from a few days earlier, and Mello had been quite sure that Matt had tried to kill him. But no, no, he got away with a scare.

A few hours later they'd been at it again, as usual.

_**you're losing your mind again**_

An odd thought struck him at that moment: what if they didn't fight? Could they, perhaps, in some crazy parallel-universe, be a normal, happy couple? Were they even a couple? They were more like friends with benefits. And tempers the size of Russia on top of it all.

_**I'm losing my baby**_

Mello put out the cancer-stick and turned back to Matt. He really was peaceful to look at, despite the post-sex-hair and the way his mouth was opened slightly and allowing a little trail of drool to run down his jaw. Slowly, carefully, Mello moved closer, afraid that if Matt woke up, they'd be at it again. And for some reason, he wanted the quiet moment of peace to last.

He put his head on Matt's chest and wrapped his arms around his waist. And because Matt was asleep, because no one could hear him, and probably because he was going crazy, Mello let himself whisper those three little words that were making him doubt his mental stability.

_**losing my favourite game**_

"I love you..."__

_**I only know what I've been working for  
another you so I could love you more**_

Because it couldn't be anything but love.

Really. Mello scolded himself on his way home from 'work' the next evening. He hadn't been able to get Matt out of his head and he'd been almost unable to think about anything else.

Fuck. This was what he'd been trying to avoid for years. Ever since they met, the only thing Mello had done was trying to scare Matt off, make him admit that he didn't want Mello anywhere near him.

Because Mello knew that he was going down. But he didn't want to drag Matt down with him.

_**I really thought that I could take you there  
but my experiment is not getting us anywhere**_

"Where the fuck were you?"

"None of your business"

"And you didn't call because it hadn't occurred to you that I was sick with worry?"

"Oh, Matt..."

"... what?"

"You're so fun when you're pretending to give a shit."__

_**I had a vision I could turn you right  
a stupid mission and a lethal fight**_

Mello's back hit the wall.

"You don't think I give a shit?"

"No."

"Yeah?"

"I _know_ you don't."

That one cost him a punch in the face, but it was worth it.

"Fuck you, okay!? Do you really think I'd stay here if I didn't fucking care about you? You don't think I have better things to do than worry about you all day?"

Another punch. Mello didn't fight back.

_**I should have seen it when my hope was new  
my heart is black and my body is blue**_

Instead, he laughed. An insane laugh, loud, it felt like it would tear his throat apart.

"Hit me again, Matt," he managed to say between hysterical laughing. "THAT'S WHY I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!"

That made Matt stop.

_**And I'm losing my favourite game**_

Mello was still laughing as he sank to the floor, his back leaned against the wall. Were those tears?

_**You're losing your mind again**_

"Wh... what did you just say?"

_**I'm losing my favourite game**_

They _were_ tears...

He was actually laughing so hard that he was crying. He couldn't even remember the last time he'd laughed at all.

_**You're losing your mind again**_

"Said I love you, dumbass," he said. "Weird, huh? That I've been trying to make you go away all these years... and all I really want is for you to stay forever."

He laughed again, this time a dry chuckle.

_**I'm losing my baby**_

There was no sweet moment of 'I love you too' or anything like that. Matt just stared. Then he left and didn't come back for three hours.

_**Losing my favourite game**_

And then they fought again.

-

_**I'm losing my favourite game**_

This was it. It was time. There was a Takada to kidnap, and no time for goodbyes, tears, or even 'see you in Hell, you sack of shit'. But then, all of a sudden, warm arms wrapped around him from behind, pulling him back against Matt, his friend, his love, his _Matt_.

_**you're losing your mind again**_

"I love you too, you know."

_**I've tried but you're still the same**_

Mello allowed himself to cry. He'd forgotten how those words sounded; they hadn't said anything like that since they were stupid little boys, back before more important things got in the way of love.

"Fuck you, Matt. Really. Fuck you so much. Do you know that we'll die tonight?"

"Yeah..."

"Fuck you... why didn't you just leave while you could? Why do you think I'm always acting like I can't stand you? I always knew I'd get myself killed, I just... I didn't want to kill you as well."

_**I'm losing my baby**_

"It's okay, Mells... it's okay. I didn't leave, no, and yes, I knew that you'd get me killed one day. But I still didn't leave. That's how much I love you, you idiot."

_**you're losing a saviour and a saint**_

"... but I couldn't save you."

"Maybe I didn't want to be saved."

Mello smiled.

"See you in Hell, Matt."

"I'll be waiting for you there."

-

**A/N: **Well, that sure as Hell was... strange. But now it's two AM and I am, therefore, not able to think. Which is probably the cause of the extreme weirdness. Reviews are greatly appreciated.


End file.
